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Proper
Attitude and Motives
Do
you know that you are an ambassador of Christ?
Romans 12:17-21; 1
Corinthians 6:1-8; 2 Corinthians 5:20; Galatians 6:1-5
We must
remember that as a Christian and ambassador of Christ, we are to proceed
any endeavor with the Fruits of the Spirit where love is our focus. We
must have the proper motives before we can be the peace that makes and
resolve the conflict. Galatians tell us,
“Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you
who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you
also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you
will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he
is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions.
Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody
else, for each one should carry his own load.”
(Galatians 6:1-5)
We are to take seriously the call to be
responsible for each other in love and care. When we help each other,
even in the midst of conflict, to point out sin and wrong doing, we are
helping that person. We need to take seriously the call that our Lord
gave us, that we are positioned to be peacemakers and help in the
restoration process of all humankind from evangelism to conflict
management.
Restore gently is with the attitude of love
and care, not being overly harsh and, especially, not allowing our anger
and outrage to get the best of us. God did not express His anger and
outrage to us or we would be space dust, rather He gave patience and
grace. We are to reflect and replicate His way and not ours. The primary
goal with any confrontation is the restoration of the individual, just
as it is God’s will to restore us in our love relationship with Him. The
goal is not the chastising; this is not a sport, but a serious manner
where the person must be dealt with the motive and attitude of respect.
Our churches are riddled with conflict and we
need to realize the frustration levels of the people we deal with. Most
Christians can and will act in a very ungodly manner and, basically,
bite the hand that feeds them. The forces that drive them are fear. Fear
of change, fear of being wrong, fear of being embarrassed, and a fear of
having no control. We need to see the root motives of others and
ourselves in order to deal with the attitude and situations
respectively. When we are ministering to those who are insecure and
bring our own insecurities, then the proper attitudes will be cut off
and our effectiveness will be mute. Our motives must not be self based
but Christ based, so when we go into a conflict situation we can deal
with it in a levelheaded attitude.
Our own motive must be in the restoration of
God’s people from sin, not the work of the Holy Spirit, but our call of
being constructive and providing solutions, not more strife. Our call is
to extol people, that is to come along their side with comfort and help.
We are to help each other grow in our relationships with God and each
other. And with this motive in mind, sheepdog people on the right path
when they veer off, as a loving parent does with a child. As a community
of believers, we are responsible for each other, including the actions
and deeds that we extol on to each other. We are also responsible to
extol each other onto the right path. So conflict management is not a
double barrel shotgun, but the love to extol and lift up each other.
Conflict management must have the best interests in mind for the people
involved as well as the church, and most importantly a driving force to
glorify our Lord. We get ourselves into trouble when we try to be a
savior/ super hero and ‘save the day,’ so we look good. Our focus is
not just to look good, but lift up our Lord.
Be
Prepared Spiritually
Before a
leader or any Christian can be effective to extol each other, we
ourselves must be prepared. Extol is defined when attributed to God as
to give praise very highly, that goes beyond emotion and experience, but
into a deep commitment and passion. Extol is also the ability to
encourage and lift up someone beyond just to tolerate and put up with.
So we need to extol as our Lord did for us and then extol to each other.
We also need to extol with gentleness and firmness when we confront and
encourage the person being confronted. Sometimes the person we confront
is innocent, and we need to follow our Constitutional law of innocent
until proven guilty, this is Biblical.
So when we confront someone, it must be to
lift him or her up while pointing out the grievance and we have to be
prepared mentally and spiritually to do this. This is why it is
important that someone new to the faith, or someone not as mature,
should not get involved in conflict management. Our preparation in any
situation is our maturity in the Lord, and the knowledge of the
situation, the person, and ourselves. We need to ask ourselves these
questions so we can confront with the proper attitude and motive.
First, we must be willing to deal with
conflict in a healthy manner and not hide ourselves from it. Are you
willing to abide to the mandates of Scripture or are you too engrossed
in your anger? If not, you cannot possibly be objective and listen. Are
you yourself willing to admit your mistakes and sins, if not, how can
you expect others to do so? Are you driven by God’s Word and not your
own will so you can listen and be objective? Can you, as a person in
Christ, handle change and growth where you have not been before? If not,
how do you propose to handle others with encouragement and help where
you have not been? Do you have the confidence to go against the peer
pressure and expectation of others if they are not in alignment with
God’s Word in order to stand up for truth? If not, you will not have the
courage to extol to the level the person may need. Do you have the thick
skin and tenacity to listen to self-criticism without it affecting your
self-esteem? That is if someone accuses you falsely, can you stand up
with confidence of who you are in Christ and not melt away? These
characteristics must precede the conflict management process, if not,
you will create an even bigger mess. Remember you cannot do the work of
our Lord effectively until you are modeling His Character!
The good capable leader will be sensitive to
the recognition of the seeds of conflict. That is the type of conflict
that simmers below the public surface that we do not show until we are
“fed up.” Such as people avoiding other people, with such comments like,
“I just do not like Timmy” or “I am just not drawn to that person or
personality.” Now it is unrealistic to expect everyone to like everyone
else. As Christians, we will all end up in Heaven together, so we should
get along, but we do not. There are tendencies for simple personality
dislikes turning into eruptions, we should beware of them and have a
plan to deal with them. When we have our radar screens up for conflict
detection at its earliest, it will prevent blow-ups later.
A few years ago there was a story in the LA
paper of a woman in Florida who won the lottery. She called her live-in
boyfriend, told him the news and told him to pack. He responded,
thinking they were going on a trip, “That’s great, what should I pack,
for hot or cold weather?” The woman responded, “I don’t care as long as
you are out before I come home!” Life is full of interpersonal storms.
Either we are in a storm or we are leaving a storm, but one thing is
clear, a storm is sure to be on the way! So how we deal with it will
make the difference of a bump in the road or all out divorce.
The storms of life can be such a frustrating
experience, but also a source of growth and maturity. But the crisis in
of themselves can be an opportunity or a danger, as the Chinese word for
crisis expounds both the characters of danger and opportunity. They come
into our life sometimes without a hint of warning, and other times it is
our own miss planning and arrogance that gets in the way and creates the
problem. We cannot avoid them, so we need to learn how to deal with
crisis in a Biblical and mature manner. If not, the results can and will
be devastating and un-repairable.
The preacher must beware of his leaders’
situation and the maturity level of their leadership. If the elders are
not mature enough to handle a disagreement in a calm level and
encouraging way, then they will just make the situation worse. Because
in an unhealthy and immature church (which most churches fall into these
days), a preacher or leader who confronts the wrong person of sin or any
situation will find their bags packed and office vacant. I have seen
this situation over and over. The people who are supposed to suppress it
in the first place blow a simple disagreement way out of proportion.
Maturity is your key. The problem is most people think they are mature,
but in fact they are not. Your template for finding your and the leaders
maturity level is in Galatians 5. A preacher can survive having sinned
greatly himself, such as infidelity, but they may not survive
confronting a key money giver or key personality in the immature church.
This is extremely unfortunate, and a lot of leg work needs to be done to
train and help a church mature, or seek another church and wipe the dust
off your feet.
To be a healthy church, we must have a plan
of action on how to handle conflict. The ability to deal with conflict
as it emerges will allow a church to stay healthy and vibrant. So it is
my goal to show from Scripture a simple model of conflict management
that can provide the foundation of understanding to create and implement
this essential value in church leadership. It is the wise and mature
church that can receive and give criticism as well as to have a written
out Biblical plan to deal with it when it ventures off too far.
Principle Scripter to
How to Understand, Solve, and Prevent Conflict:
Genesis 4; Psalm 37:4; Proverbs 3:4-6; 18:13; Matthew 5:9; 7:5;
15:18-20; 18: 15-20; Luke 6:27-36; 19:1-9; Romans 8:28-29; 1 Corinthians
6:1-8; 10:31-11:1; 13; Galatians 5; Ephesians 4:22-32; 5:1; Philippians
2:3-6; 4:2-9; Colossians 1:17-20; 3:12-17 James 4:1-3; 1 John 14:15
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