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Taking Responsibility
in Conflict
Do You Attack
Others to Cover Yourself?
Genesis 4:1-8; Isaiah
42:17; Psalms 15; 37:4; Proverbs 27:15; 28:13; Matthew 7:1-6; 15:19;
Acts 3:19; James 3:14-15; 4:1-12; 5:9
What causes fights and quarrels among you?
Don't they come from your desires that battle within you?
James 4:1
Are you more likely to trust people first
until proven wrong or do you start by distrusting others until they
prove themselves as trustworthy? What does Christ want us to do?
The best way to cover your own sins and
wrongdoings is to attack someone who is good and righteous, because it
will throw the dogs off your tracks, taking the attention off you and
placing it elsewhere. In addition, a righteous person will not defend
himself, as he/she is rooted in Christ, and not in the world. The best
way to attack someone is to judge him/her! However, if you are rooted in
Christ, such tactics should nauseate you in disgust. A Christian must
exercise discernment as well as kindness, and not follow the evil
desires of the Will and the world. This is not merely a theory; it is a
mandate from our Lord!
It is characteristic of our fallen, human,
sinful nature to see the faults in others; however, more often than not,
the very faults we point out in others are those we have, too! We have
to be willing to look at ourselves, our flaws, and the things we need to
improve on, and place our focus there. Our responsibility is to grow in
character, not point out faults in others—unless it is done through the
relationship of a mentor, and with the disposition of the Fruit of the
Spirit. For good relationships to be built, we have to be willing and
able to treat others in the same manner we want to be treated.
Examine Ourselves
Thus, we must be willing to examine ourselves
to make sure we have not offended. If we have done so, we must be open,
honest, and seek forgiveness and reconciliation (Matt. 7:5).
Jesus tells us, “You hypocrite, first take
the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove
the speck from your brother's eye.” Seemingly harsh words perhaps;
however, when you see what is at stake, they are very kind. Speck
and plank in the eye refer to the need for eye surgery. In the
Greek, it is a word play, using hyperbole speech-exaggeration for
emphasis that is both shocking and humorous. This means we must correct
our own faults by removing the beam from our own eye; then we will able
to see, discern, and help others who are not dealing with their faults
(Gal. 6:1-2). This is paramount before we can prevent and/or solve
conflict. The parties in question must examine themselves in the Light
of His Word and be willing to confess, repent, and change for the
better.
Why? Because, it is wrong for anyone to focus
their attention on the speck in his brother's eye while his/her own eye
is occupied with the same, or another fault (Psalm 18:25-26; Rom. 2:1)!
We are called to judge with righteous judgment (John 7:24; 1 Cor 5:9-13;
Gal. 6:1; 1 John 4:1). We are to be discerning, and not allow immorality
and false teachings to emerge from the Church, or allow such things to
attack the Church from the outside. It is just as the U.S. military is
commissioned to protect citizens from enemies, both foreign and
domestic! The Lord is also condemning judging in the spirit of
self-righteousness and condemnation, without mercy or love (Luke
6:36-37; James 2:13).
Are
You Willing to Confess and Repent?
Repentance is exhibited when we are
remorseful for our sins and seek to turn around to God. It requires us
to employ our faith and repent which means to embrace the liberation,
empowerment, and abundance we have in Christ by completely and utterly
turning away from our sin (as in our wrong desires and deeds that we
have done to others), and then move toward His love and plan.
This affects our conflict resolving greatly,
because when we do not practice this Discipline, the result is
relational destruction! We are choosing not to serve the Lord. This will
significantly cost us in the loss of abiding peace and a life without
the abundance of Christ will result in a loss of His penetrating love
and care. We will lose out on so much more too, such as hope and faith,
and a life that produces goodness, fruit, and that impacts others
positively. We will not even have access to God’s governance and
guidance so that when the tough times of life come our way, we will be
alone, tossed about by the seas of life and stress with only our feeble
pride to anchor us; and it will only serve to sink us. Our real
repentance will show the manifestation and fruit of His ways. If not,
something is very wrong.
In addition, if we do not repent and confess,
the waywardness of our sinful nature will resume and take control; this
allows us, as a “Christian,” to act one way on Sunday and another on
Monday, developing and engaging in conflict, so such things as strife,
factions, gossip, bitterness, anger, and withdrawal will cause us to act
the opposite of God’s call! When we do not confess, we are not doing
what is right; in fact, we are even fighting against God (Matt. 4:17;
27:3; John 10:10; 2 Cor. 7:10-11).
·
Repentance is not just sorrow or
regret for what we have done or even the desire to change our minds.
Rather, it is the changing of all we are—our goals, aspirations, values,
and behaviors—so that we turn a complete 180 degrees from the way we
were (2 Cor. 7:9-10). Repentance is a life that really has been
changed!
·
If you are a Christian and have
strayed from His path in small ways or big ways, stop and repent. Jesus
is calling you back to His love. He asks you to remember who you are in
Him and Who He is, to hold on to Him and to dwell in Him.
·
How we respond to life and other
people will be rooted in how we respond to God. Do we fight Him or do we
glorify Him? How do we know? The answer is in how we are with our
wiliness to repent, to be humble, and release our pride so we want to
repent to draw closer to our Lord and be better with others, too. How we
fight with and manipulate others will show how our attitude is with God.
Repentance will be a significant factor in our attitudes and mindsets;
are we humble or proud?
·
We are to conform our lives to His Way
so our faith applies to our lives. This means we come to the grace,
forgiveness, and authority of Christ; because of Him, we keep submitting
by the application of His precepts to our lives that result in maturity
and spiritual growth.
We have to be willing to declare: I, as a
follower of Christ, bought and paid for by His shed blood, must
acknowledge my own sinful nature. If this is not in your practice and in
your mindset, you will fall way short of His plan and possibly even His
redemption for you (not lose your salvation). All of humanity is fallen
from God; we are corrupt in our thinking and actions. Unless God’s Grace
is not only flowing in us, but is also being emphasized and utilized, we
will fail to make the right decisions. Our sinful nature directly
relates to our daily lives and how we lead our church. Each of us must
commit to ongoing confession in this area, from the trivialities of
daily life to battling lust.
Being willing and able to confess sin will
renew your mind and prepare you to be a more effective and used-by-God
Christian, because you will have given yourself to God, mind as well as
body. Just think through what He has done for you, the incredible amount
of forgiveness you have received, and your response to what He has done.
It should be gratitude that leads you to desire to purge yourself of
sin. When we do as we see fit (Judges 17:6), all we bring on ourselves
is strife and confusion that leads to endless hurt. When we have purged
the sin, and continue to do so as an ongoing venture, we will have no
desire to copy the evil ways of the world. Rather, we will desire to be
further transformed and renewed by God. We will be new persons, infused
by the Spirit, so that all we think and all we do is pointed in His
direction and call. Because of this renewal, we will know what He
desires for us, what is best, and what is pleasing and perfect.
·
Our confession is a starting point to
build and develop character, patience, and dependence on God's grace, as
Abraham did by faith; we are accountable for our choices.
·
When we try to live to and by
ourselves without Christ, or even try to serve Him without relying on
Him, we are showing an incredible amount of disrespect!
·
The goal of confession is to glorify
our Lord, heal hurts, and resolve the situation. It is not about us and
our burdens. That area is dealt with by prayer, faith development, and
counseling if necessary.
What
are you going to do about taking responsibility for the conflict?
We need to realize our sinful nature and how
much Christ forgave us, less for with what judgment you judge, you will
be judged, with the same measure you use, it will be measured back to
you. The implication is that we will be judged by the same standards we
use to judge another (John 12:48; 2 Cor. 5:10)!
When we judge by attacking others, or by
putting them down, we are refusing to forgive (Mat. 6:14-15)! If you are
unwilling to see the faults in yourself and be in the process of
resolving them, then you have no right to help others by critiquing
them! If you think you have no faults, you are deluding yourself, lying
to God and others (Rom. 2:17-24). Thus, there will be no real, effectual
way to resolve whatever conflict may be occurring! We have to be humble
and accept correction to be used by God (Prov. 15:31).
The right way to help someone with faults is
to go to them privately with constructive criticism in love, and offer
gentle, humble criticism and help that would lift them up (Matt. 10:
12-15; Acts 13:42-46; 2 Tim. 2:24-26). If we were to remain silent with
sin or when people teach false doctrine or behave wrongly, we would
allow reproach, that is, false impressions to come upon the name of our
Lord Jesus Christ, causing Him to be misrepresented. And in so doing,
the hurt and the problems will continue to escalate and go unresolved.
Thus, we need to commit ourselves to Christ, allow for the Spirit’s
council and examination, and seek His Word then we can progress in
healing in our interpersonal relationship ills.
·
Remember the need for prayer!
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Remember the need for love!
·
Refuse to compare yourself with
others!
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Never minimize the offense or
someone’s feelings; take them seriously as our Lord did, even if you
think they is silly. The only thing that is really silly is our pride!
·
Be in control of your emotions!
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Respect those in authority and who are
seeking to reconcile the situation, such as the mediators, preachers, or
elders...
·
Treat others as you want to be treated
(Matt. 7:12).
·
Realize that that healings of hurt
take time!
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Acknowledge your role and your wrongs
and keep your word (Matt. 5:37; Mark 10:42-45; Rom. 13:1-7; 1 Pet.
2:18-25)!
·
Realize the validity of the other
person’s hurt!
·
Be willing to accept the consequences
of your aberrant behaviors and decisions (Gen. 50:17; Num. 5:5-7; Luke
15:19)!
·
Do you try to control the Spirit or
does the Spirit control you? Which way do you think pleases God and your
attitude will be the proof test of how real and impacting your faith is!
·
Keep in mind that it is as impossible
to be a Christian hypocrite, just as it is impossible to be half
pregnant. Either you are, or you are not. The Fruit will show your true
colors.
·
A Christian who is critical and
condescending is a terrible destructive force to the Kingdom of God, as
they exhibit the direct opposite behavior of what a Christian should
be.
It is the role
of the Holy Spirit to give a critique, and He will work with you way
before using you to work with someone else! Every wrong thought you may
observe in others already exists in you, and if you are unwilling to
deal with it, while pointing it out in others, you would be as Proverbs
so eloquently puts it, A FOOL! The chief characteristic of a Christian
should be humility as well as love and Fruit! Remember, if God judged
you correctly and righteously, you would go straight to Hell, as you
deserve neither Grace, nor His love. But, because of His Grace, you have
heaven—and Him--for eternity!
May God help
keep us all from such judging and enable us to be more useful in helping
others with their problems?
Questions and ideas to consider:
1.
In Who and what do I trust? What do I
fear?
2.
Am I willing to confess my sins and
wrong-doings in order to improve the relationship and/or solve the
conflict? If not, why not?
3.
Do you, will you keep your word?
4.
Read, Eph. 4:22-32: What am I willing
to do to change my wrong behaviors?
5.
With what am I preoccupied that gets
in the way of resolving this conflict and/or improving this
relationship?
6.
What do I want to preserve and fight
for? Of these, what is glorifying to God? What is not? If it does not
help improve the relationship or give glory to God, then you must throw
it off!
7.
Our responsibility is to grow in our
character and not point out faults in others unless it is done as a
mentor, and with the disposition of the Fruits of the Spirit. So, what
would your proper response be to sizing others up, and finding a balance
between not judging, yet protecting your family and the people of God?
8.
What are some of the specks and planks
that have been in your eye? Do you need eye surgery--faults that need to
be corrected?
9.
What can you do to have the attitude
and mindset of humility, so you can accept correction, and be used by
God (Prov. 15:31)?
10.
What would be a good way for your
church to train and encourage people in the right way to help someone
with faults, so it is done privately, with constructive criticism, in
love, and with the offer of gentle and humble assessment to help lift
them up (Matt. 10: 12-15; Acts 13:42-46; 2 Tim. 2:24-26)?
Scriptures on
acknowledging our faith:
Lev. 5:5; Ps. 32:5 Matt. 10:32; John 1:20; Acts 24:14; Rom. 14:11; Heb.
11:13; 13:15
Scriptures on
accountability:
Proverbs 25:12; 27:17; Ecclesiastes 4:8-12; Romans 14: 13-23; 2
Corinthians 12:19-13:6; Galatians 6:1-6; Colossians 3:16; Ephesians
4:9-13; 1 Thessalonians 5:14; James 5:15-16; Hebrews 3:13
Additional Scriptures
on the Disciplines of Confession and Repentance:
2 Chronicles 7:14; 30:6-9; Psalm 34:14,18; Isaiah 22:12; Jeremiah 7:3-8;
Matthew 4:17; 6:33; 23:12; John 20:23; Acts 17:30; 20: 17-21; 24:14;
Romans 2:4; 3:9-4:8; 2 Corinthians 7:8-12; Ephesians 4:13; Philippians
2:12; 1 Thessalonians 5:6, 8; 2 Timothy 2:5; 1 John 4:19
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