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Talking your Way out
of Conflict
This is a basic
step by step biblical process to solve conflict personally or in a
church.
Proverbs
3:4; 19:11; Matthew 7:3-4; 15:18-19; 18:15-17 Ephesians 4:29; James 5:16
Then you will win favor and a good name in
the sight of God and man. Proverbs
3:4
As a preacher, I have been involved with
every kind of conflict imaginable, from business disputes, personality
clashes, monetary discord, land rights, probate, parent- teacher issues,
to, of course, the most common-marital disputes. I learned over the
years, not so much from my schooling, but rather my preaching
experience, how to talk my way out of problems. Being a person who hates
conflict, I seek the easiest, most efficient way to put it down. For the
sake of my survival and sanity, I had to figure a way to focus people on
the relationship more than the issue.
This is not the avoiding of problems
(although I have been known to do that), but by carefully listening and
coming to a solution to appease the person, the situation could be
calmed down so the facts could be evaluated. Then, the concentration
could be focused on the rebuilding of the relationship. Otherwise, the
problem will continue and the relationship will suffer. The most
important thing I had to learn is to not take problems at face value so
that they overwhelmed me. I had to see the big picture—that God was
still sovereign, and this, like any storm, would eventually pass and be
forgotten.
Most problems seem complex; intertwined with
so many people and so much hurt and communication ills, they seem
overwhelming and hopeless. But, that is not the case; most problems have
just a few simple components to them that can be isolated and dealt
with.
Here is a roadmap to help you, your church,
or a moderator through the biblical process of understanding and solving
problems. This can be easily
applied to church conflicts, business disputes, and martial clashes
Essential Points to Remember:
For out of the heart come evil thoughts,
murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.
Matthew 15:19
1.
You are Christ’s loved one
(2 Corinthians 12:9-10): Do not take the problem as a personal
attack, even if it is. You may be a part of the conflict, or a third
party trying to resolve it. You are Christ’s child; He is your identity
and defense! When you understand that, you can better see your role as a
relationship builder-even when the other person is seeking to tear you
down. This first point has saved me a lot of stress and disappointment!
2.
Conflict is an Opportunity
(Psalm 37:5-6; John 14:15-31; 1 Corinthians 6:1-8): It is an
opportunity to learn and give God honor. It is not necessarily bad or
the end of a relationship. Know for certain that God can use conflict,
whether it is sin, bad choices, a wrong turn, or a misunderstanding, and
transform it into good if you let Him. God will be glorified, and you
will grow in character, maturity, trust, love, obedience, and in faith.
3.
Listen
(Proverbs 28:13; James 1:19-25; 1 John 1:8-9): The first job is
listening, without opening your mouth. Effective listening and getting
each party to listen is essential! Until each one listens, nothing
productive will happen. People need to be heard; the one who listens
earns the right to be heard and resolve the issue. Make sure they know
you are listening by giving eye contact, leaning forward, and being
relaxed. Restate to clarify what you heard with as few words as
possible, saying, this is what I heard... Be open and say, “I’m
confused; let me try to restate what I think you said.” Or, “You have
said so much; let me see if I have heard it all.”
4.
Understand Forgiveness
(Psalm 103:12; Isaiah 43:25; 1 Corinthians 13:5; Colossians 3:12-14):
Most Christians have a pale sense of the wonder that we have been
forgiven, and often fail to show that forgiveness to others when
wronged. Forgiveness is absolutely crucial for any relationship to
continue, and critical to resolve any conflict! Remember how much you
have been forgiven; do not fail to show it to others! Remember, God does
not treat us the way we tend to treat others.
5.
Communicate
(Luke 15:11-24): Seeking understanding is more important than
resolving the issue. Most issues do not need to be resolved if all
parties can understand one another’s situation. Get them to talk and
listen, and you are on the road to recovery! Why is the person hurt?
Why do they feel that way? What do they want? What can be done?
These five points will have a significant
impact on how we approach our feelings, attitudes, and hurts in conflict
resolution. The key approach is to be like Christ, so give this to Him;
give your prayer and reverence to our Lord (John 13:34-35; Rom. 15:5-7;
1 Cor. 1:10; Eph. 4:1-3).
Ask in prayer: How can I glorify You, as
in please and honor You in this situation?
How to do this-the ABCs of
conflict communication:
If your brother sins against you, go and show
him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you
have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two
others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony
of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to
the church and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as
you would a pagan or a tax collector.
Matthew 18:15-17
a.
Pray for wisdom and discernment! Keep
praying, gather all of the facts, and get second opinions and godly
council without revealing confidences.
b.
Be positive, have a win-win attitude,
smile, and look the person in the eyes. Affirm each person; make him/her
feel comfortable. Let him/her know you care and want to hear. Treat each
person with utmost respect and kindness even if you feel they do not
deserve it. Remember that they are God’s child, too! Operate in the
Fruit of the Spirit, not the works of the flesh!
c.
Do not be afraid to give the
moderating over to someone else if you cannot handle it. I have done
this many times over the years, due to time, family, being out of my
expertise, and personality clashes.
d.
When you confront someone, ask
yourself, how would I want to be confronted? Be humble and
introspective so you can understand how you or (if you are the
moderator) the participants have each contributed to the conflict.
e.
Never compare your life and situations
with that of others. God deals with everyone equally, yet differently.
Think before you speak!
f.
Write stuff down!
g.
Validate each person as important.
h.
Use humor only when it is appropriate,
perhaps to diffuse a tense situation; never use it as an attack!
i.
Identify the interests, concerns,
desires, needs, limitations, and fears of each person involved.
j.
Allow all the parties equal time to
tell their side without interruption; then, get feedback from the
others.
k.
Do not be self-focused; focus on the
issue, facts, feelings, and how this affects Christ’s Kingdom and
fullness.
l.
If you are a part of the conflict,
speak for yourself, not for the other person! As a moderator, make a
ground rule that each person can only speak for themselves and not
reword or restate the other’s view. That way, the finger pointing is
stopped and listening can begin.
m.
Attack the issue, not the people;
allow no condemnations, commands, threats, condescending attitudes, name
calling, or disrespect!
n.
Commit to understand one another and
each side, and to refrain from interrupting.
o.
Phrase the problem as questions and
not attacks! Phrases such as, you feel (state the feeling) or
because (state the content) are appropriate.
p.
Do not blame! Have each party state
how the issue affects him/her, and how they feel. For example, if a
spouse is always gone and the other is angry about that, state, When
you are gone I feel… (Lonely), rather than You are never home.
This diffuses most arguments and refocuses blame by simply stating how
he/she feels. When each one is aware of the other’s feelings, especially
in martial conflict, problem solving can begin.
q.
Ask, How is the problem
dishonoring God? How is it hurting each person involved and how is it
damaging the relationship?
r.
Be open and willing to listen to all
solutions, no matter how ridiculous. Again, people need to be heard!
This invites the willingness to cooperate and listen.
s.
If people refuse to talk to one
another, have them write their complaint on one page with a general
description, their side of the dispute, what they think the other person
did, and their solution. Then go over it, summarize it, and present it
to both parties. Do not allow them to respond until it is fully read.
t.
When sin is involved, it must be
confessed and dealt with. The person whose attitude promoted the sin
needs to be addressed and confronted.
u.
Make sure you are listening and each
person knows you are listening. If you are the moderator, you can
restate each person’s response. If it is a marriage situation with only
the couple, restate your position in a positive way by saying, this
is what I heard.… When you summarize, do not add new ideas or your
agenda!
v.
Keep to one issue at a time; do not
allow other past conflicts to interrupt. When multiple problems are
raised, the situation becomes too frustrating and overwhelming to solve.
Solve one, or at least come to an understanding, before going to the
next one.
w.
Say, What can we do to solve
this problem together? What are the steps do you see that can resolve
this issue? If that does not work, place the issue on what the
purpose of the Christian life is about, to worship and glorify Christ.
How can we develop a solution that glorifies our Lord?
x.
If the parties or you cannot calm
down, take a break; if that does not work, reschedule for another time.
y.
Start to work together by seeing each
person on the same team and not opposing adversaries; we are all God’s
children, and in the same church family.
z.
Remember: the goal is reconciliation
through confession, love, and forgiveness (Prov. 28:13; Matt. 5:23-24).
6. Commit to a Positive Solution or
Understanding (James 4:1-12; Matthew 15:18-19): A lot of
conflicts, especially marital, will continue as each person is
constantly pushing buttons; they are on a merry-go-round without
being merry. You have to make a decision that the pushing will stop,
regardless of the hurt, for the sake of the relationship. Ask, “What can
you both do differently to solve this problem so it does not continue?”
Then resolution can begin. All parties must agree that the cycles of
conflict must stop. Unless there is an agreement and a follow-through,
no resolution will take place. Sometimes, problems cannot be resolved,
and that is OK if understanding is sought. If the person refuses to stop
escalating the problem, they are obviously too steeped in pride and this
problem will have to be referred to church elders and/or civil
authorities.
Break
down the issue in steps and then come to a solution that all can agree
upon.
Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be
self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when
Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the
evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance.1
Peter 1:13-14
1.
Gather all of the information you can.
Write down the facts, feelings, possible outcomes if unresolved, and
possible outcomes if resolved. Look for root issues; most problems are
symptoms of deeper issues.
2.
Write down the description(s) of the
problem.
3.
Write down what positive result each
person would like to see.
4.
Evaluate and summarize each person’s
statement so it describes the situation fairly.
5.
Never discuss or try to resolve any
conflict when either party is tired, hungry, or angry.
6.
When you are dealing with a
theological issue, adhere to what is plainly taught in God’s Word and
your church confessions. But, even here, the goal is to be cooperative,
not competitive.
7.
Brainstorm possible solutions by
thinking through ideas without critiquing them. Evaluate; do not argue!
This is the possibilities stage; you do not need to jump to a
conclusion. Take your
time.
8.
Look at all the ideas and then ask,
How might we come to a mutual solution? How can we create a new and
better future? Remember, all are on the same team!
9.
If this is a conflict involving you,
there is no moderator, and if things are not going smoothly, be humble;
find a trusted, mutual friend, counselor, or preacher to moderate! Do
not allow your pride to push others away and destroy relationships!
10.
Now evaluate the ideas one by one.
What are the advantages and disadvantages of the ideas? Which ones are
acceptable to all parties? Which ones glorify our Lord the most?
Remember to keep it positive; not everyone will be happy.
11.
Create a schedule to implement the
best possible solution.
12.
Remember, when people are
uncooperative, only God can change them and they need to have the
willingness to allow Him to do so.
13.
If you failed to come to an
understanding, take this to heart; as long as you are obedient to Him,
you did not fail--you succeeded immeasurably! Some situations cannot be
resolved simply because of improper perspectives and pride.
14.
Once an agreement is reached, commit
to the fact that this incident does not need to be brought up again,
especially in marriage. Then follow up on it in a couple of days, weeks,
a month and six months later. I will not complain about it, I will
not dwell on it, I will not gossip about it; I will not use it against
the other person. I will forgive and forget and move ahead in building
our relationship! If
not, it will just start all over again!
7. Remember: not all people, Christians
included, play fair or want reconciliation! The common responses are
denial, fight or flee, some like to sue, and in extreme cases, murder
and suicide.
·
Flee:
The person(s) will not solve because they fear what people think,
pretend it is not a problem and thus they turn and run from it. These
are the people who just leave a church and you usually never hear from
them or why (Gen. 16:6-8; 1 Sam. 19:9-10)!
·
Fight:
Person(s) are engaged in an escalating drama and like it, will not stop
because of fear of reprisal or do not know what to do. Sometimes they
have unrealistic demands and are willing to take it to a physical
confrontational level. These people use intimidation or manipulation to
get their way (Acts 6:8-15).
·
Denial:
The person(s) are in and just will not admit their sin, problem, or
offence as an obstacle. Pride and/or fear are at work, and thus they
choose to ignore it or to work it out (Gen. 16:1-6; 2 Sam.
2:22-25).
Applying these ABCs to a Marriage Problem
Matthew 7:3-5; 2 Corinthians 3:18
But we Christians have no veil over our
faces; we can be mirrors that brightly reflect the glory of the Lord.
2 Corinthians 3:18
Each of these previous steps is a biblical
way to deal with a marriage dispute through working with a qualified
preacher or counselor. The principle issue is reconciliation with a
win/win scenario. We can do this by realizing who we are in Christ,
as we previously discussed, and that we are to mirror Christ-like
character in our marriage even when it is tough! We have to lift the
veil that blinds us to love, opportunities, and reconciliation; this
veil blinds us to Christ as well! It is my experience, in countless
marriage counseling sessions, that about 90 percent of the time, a
misunderstanding is escalated by the pushing of each other’s buttons,
and by being blinded by the veil of pride and hurt. Both have to be
willing to take a step back and work on themselves spiritually in
maturity, and commit to stop the escalating of the matter. Also, keep to
one issue at a time; do not allow the whole can of worms to be dumped.
Work on one worm at a time, one problem or issue at a time! Then
the steps can be effectively engaged. It will do wonders if a couple can
act cordially to each other, if they can sit together, go through these
steps one at a time, and spend a lot of time in prayer. But, it usually
takes a preacher or counselor to make this process more effective and
pleasant.
Each person brings his or her faults into any
relationship. There are no perfect people. We all have personality
dysfunctions and shortcomings which we have to be willing to work on. In
the next chapter, we will be talking about relationship killers, such as
being defensive, which greatly comes into play in resolving
disagreements. Explain these killers to the couple if you are the
counselor, to yourself if you are in the argument, and commit in the
counseling session and at home not to engage in such destructible
practices. You have to be willing to work on yourself first (Matthew
7:3-5). A married couple is on the same team; you are not each other’s
enemy! So, be willing to see your spouse as your teammate, and not your
rival. In that way, you can avoid seeing the other as the problem, and
focus on the issue and the solution!
Marital research has shown that 80 percent of
problems do not even have to be solved when the couple talks through the
issues and reaches mutual understanding (Focus on the Family).
Most issues can just be talked out when both apply listening,
understanding, and the Fruit of the Spirit over their will and hurt.
Only the most difficult of problems will involve the use of Matthew 18
and intervention.
Principle Scripter to
How to Understand, Solve, and Prevent Conflict:
Genesis 4; Psalm 37:4; Proverbs 3:4-6; 18:13; Matthew 5:9; 7:5;
15:18-20; 18: 15-20; Luke 6:27-36; 19:1-9; Romans 8:28-29; 1 Corinthians
6:1-8; 10:31-11:1; 13; Galatians 5; Ephesians 4:22-32; 5:1; Philippians
2:3-6; 4:2-9; Colossians 1:17-20; 3:12-17 James 4:1-3; 1 John 14:15
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