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WHEN YOUR HUSBAND
IS NOT A CHRISTIAN
Paul commended
Phoebe (Rom. 16:1–2), who was a succourer of many,
including
himself. We read nothing about her husband. If she had a husband, he was
apparently not a Christian, or perhaps he had died. Yet that did not
stop Phoebe from serving the Lord and her brothers and sisters in
Christ.
Timothy’s father was a pagan. As far
as we know, Eunice had no help from him at all in living as a Christian,
much less in training Timothy. Yet she, with the help of her mother
Lois, has been a good example to all Christian wives and mothers since
the first century.
Abigail was a great and wise woman
who was married to a “churl,” a fool (1Sam. 25:1–44). She seemingly
lived in submission to her husband, but when it came to doing what was
right and wise, she took matters into her own hands. She didn’t wait
around trying to persuade Nabal to repent.
Contrast her behavior with that of
Sapphira (Acts 5:1–10), who willingly followed her husband in sin, and
for that she died with him.
Abigail and Sapphira provide examples
for us—one good, and one bad. We must never be guilty of disobeying God
in order to please a husband (1 Cor.7:15–16).
Even if you must carry them out all
alone, you still have responsibilities toward God and toward your
brothers and sisters in Christ. These responsibilities would include
hospitality, giving, teaching, bringing up children—heavy burdens indeed
to bear alone. Sometimes a wife just goes ahead and invites people over,
although her husband refuses to be hospitable, or even to come home.
Years ago we were invited for supper by a young Christian woman. We
arrived at the time she specified, but her husband was not home. We
waited and made conversation, but when he still didn’t come, she decided
we would go on and eat without him. I admired her so much for going
ahead with her plans, even if she must do it alone. I am so happy to be
able to say that her husband is now a faithful Christian and a loving,
attentive husband.
There is not a doubt in my mind that
her good example was a large factor.
There comes a time when a wife must
accept the fact that her husband will not listen to her nor allow her
even to talk with him about God, the Bible, the church, or even religion
in general. In fact, if she goes past this point, she is likely to drive
him further away. Peter addressed this situation (1 Pet. 3:1–6). A wife
may, without speaking a word, win her husband by her good example and
the love and the respect with which she treats him. Even if he is a
heathen, God has still made him the head of the house. Unless he
requires something that God has forbidden, or forbids something God
requires, she must submit to him graciously. She must love, support,
respect, and be kind to her husband as best she can. Remember,
agape
is something you do, not necessarily
something you feel.
Of the greatest importance is her
insistence on attending worship and Bible classes, and on taking the
children with her. She must teach them God’s Word and the principles of
good behavior. Some time ago I read about a young mother whose husband
actively opposed even her attendance at worship. One Sunday morning the
streets and sidewalks were covered with ice and snow, but she dressed
her baby warmly and got into the car. It wouldn’t start. Her husband had
sabotaged it to keep her from going to Bible class and worship. He
watched incredulously from the window as she got out of the car, took up
her baby, and proceeded to walk to the church building, some distance
away. He was so impressed by her dedication and so ashamed of himself
that he dressed quickly, did whatever it took to render the car
drivable, and hurried to overtake her. He took her to worship, and
what’s more, he went himself.
Because of her courage and devotion
to God, her husband became a Christian.
If the father sets a bad example
before the children or even attempts to undermine her efforts (which has
been known to happen), her task becomes even more difficult. She must
somehow try to instill in her children a love for God and a desire to
please Him. At the same time, however, she must take care not to cause
them to be contemptuous of or disrespectful toward their father. She
must accept the burden of teaching and training her children alone.
Someone told me of a young woman
whose husband would not allow her to contribute any money to the work of
church. Her solution was to buy extra groceries and bring them to the
pantry when she came to mid-week ladies’ class, as her contribution,
with the approval of the elders. She also took food to the sick and
bereaved. “Where there’s a will there’s a way.”
A mother and father should never
argue in front of the children; they should resolve their conflicts
privately and then present a united front. Children will, even at best,
attempt to pit one parent against the other, and they can almost smell
any disunity between them, or any wavering. Do not allow this to happen.
They should be punished if they, after being told “no” by one parent, go
to the other and try to get approval against the will of the first
parent. Again, this problem is made much more difficult if the father is
not a Christian.
Admittedly, some fathers actually
enjoy undermining the mother’s authority, either to show her and the
children that he is the boss and will pull the strings, or because he
hates her values and her faith so much. A third possibility is that she
makes him uncomfortable by her good life, so he tries to drag her down
to his level.
The results are often disastrous, but
there isn’t much a wife can do to change such a husband other than
reasoning with him (respectfully and kindly) and praying for strength,
wisdom, and guidance for herself and her children, and repentance and
conversion for him.
CONCLUSION
The Biblical examples and admonitions
in the Bible concerning women whose husbands are not Christians are most
likely directed toward those women who were married before becoming
Christians. To those who have not yet married, be very careful that you
marry someone who will help you serve God and will guide you and your
children to Heaven. “We ought to obey God rather than men” (Acts 5:29).
However, never take it for granted
that “a member of the church” (or a graduate of a “Christian College”)
will necessarily be a good and faithful Christian. Some of those who
have been “baptized” outwardly have just been dunked in the water and
were never truly converted.
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